When a loved one dies you feel as if part of you has been frozen and then shattered into pieces that will never be again. But you can still continue to live with what you have left.
Keep reading so you can learn what I’ve learned, understood and experienced during the past days after I lost a loved one.
Last week I started the conversation about death. This week I want to continue the conversation, but now I want to focus on what to do when a loved one dies.
Before I begin though, let me tell you that even though I understand the game of life, even though I sometimes can see the big picture of eternity, and even though I’m very spiritual an accept we will all one day die, it still hurts deeply.
Celebrate they were here
We will never truly understand the purpose of death as long as we keep trying to understand it from the human point of view. We need to open ourselves up, and our minds, to something greater than ourselves and this life. It is only after we do this that we can see more than what we can see in this human life.
Once we allow ourselves to see more, we then begin to appreciate the time our loved one was with us and we’re then more open to celebrate that time. If we’re not able to celebrate their lives this means that we’re more focused on our own pain; pain that is focused on ourselves and not in our departed one.
Just like we celebrate when regular school ends, we should also celebrate when our loved ones end their school of life. You can do this by collecting pictures of his life. Or by remembering and putting together little details that happened during the last days of your loved one. It could have been an unexpected call to tell you he was okay. Or a text message telling you he felt happy with his life. Or maybe he gave you a very long hug the last time you saw him and now you realize it was his way of saying “Thank you, I love you, see you later, Good Bye.”
When you’re in a celebratory mode you’re also more prone to see the synchronicities after he’s gone. Little details where you see it could only have been him orchestrating all of that. Such as songs you listen all the time and all of the sudden your attention is focused on a few lines where you realize he’s talking to you. Or when there are people that you never met and are a hundred percent available to help you in your mourning process. Or you’re suddenly aware of the life lessons your loved one left and can now be clearly seen and learned by many.
I want to use this conversation to tell you that we need to focus more our attention to celebrate the time our loved ones were in this world instead of focusing on the pain that causes us that they're no longer present here with us and that we'll never see them again.
Let’s change that. Let’s celebrate, let’s cry, let’s laugh, let's cry some more… but let's celebrate even more. Let’s be appreciative and grateful that in this life they were physically here, close to us.
They’re still here with us
I’m not an expert in communicating with our departed loved ones but by my own and others' experience I can say it is possible. According to Allison DuBois the dead never leave us and are always close by. Mostly right after death, they want to help us and comfort us. But if we’re deeply buried in our pain we will not be able to hear them.
It is only on those moments when you cry and allow your body to heal a bit, and feel better, that you can hear them and feel their love for you. Use those moments to connect with your loved one. He still hears you and wants to help you.
Whatever negative feelings you felt during the time he was alive, has been dissipated. Your loved one is now more connected to the love energy we all are. He can definitely see the big picture and the last thing he wants is for you to be in an eternal grief and not fulfill your life’s purpose.
Our loved ones being gone means they’ve fulfilled their own life’s purpose. Us thinking or believing it was not completed, or that it was not time for them to die, or that he was not ready, is only the interpretation of our limited physical perspective and does not make it so.
You can say I cannot prove that’s so, but if you think about it, it doesn’t really matter what’s the truth. And when the only two possible options cannot be verified, I recommend you that you choose the option that feels best to you. The one that makes you feel more at peace in your heart. I feel better to think that it was his time and that all is well, and that’s what I’m choosing to think.
I also recommend you to find refuge in books. There are so many books now that you can read to help you understand the other side and to help you to feel better. They will help you see that this particular life we’re living is only a glimpse in all eternity and that we don’t need to understand it all. We just need to accept our life and try to feel good as much as we can.
Allow yourself to feel and cry
I’ve already explained to you how it's normal for us to go back and forth through positive and negative emotions. Some of us for a few seconds, some others for hours. While we are grieving the negative emotions get accentuated, they become stronger, and it takes us longer to get out of that negativity. But there are still moments when positive emotions can be felt during the day, even if for just a few seconds.
What I’m trying to say is that the grieving process is like a cyclical range of emotions. Whether you want it or not, there will be moments during your day when will feel positive emotions. When you allow those positive emotions come to you, you'll feel good and will remember good memories of your loved one. You may even feel some relief and peace; don’t punish yourself for feeling that. Accept the peace and good feelings for the moment because there will come a time when you will feel the strong need to cry again… and you do need to cry.
Crying is good for the body; it’s a form of release and healing for it. Whenever you feel you want to cry, cry all you feel you need to cry at that moment. Don’t allow others to stop you because that means they’re not allowing you to heal even though they think they’re doing you a favor.
And if you don't cry every time you need to cry, you’ll accumulate the feeling until one day you snap and things come out in a not very healthy way. And you already know that this is not good for you or for those around you.
Do you need help crying? Talk to someone about your feelings. Sometimes just doing that can help you release the pain for that day. Just make sure the person is willing to listen and not stop you.
If you don’t allow yourself to feel, cry, and heal every time you need to, you'll be reliving those feeling of loss every time a person near you, relative or not, dies. So, do you self a favor and cry now. Cry until your body begins to sigh. You'll then begin to feel good for longer periods of time every time… and feeling good is good.
A good cry opens the heart, and the heart must be opened to heal.” –Sue Frederick
You have total control of what you choose to focus your attention to. But remember that the longer you focus on grief, regret, anger, resentment or guilt, the longer it will take you to feel good again. Also, feeling good after a loved one dies is not bad, on the contrary, it's good for you and for them too because they can also find peace knowing you’re okay.
In my next blog post, the third one of the death series, I’ll be writing about honoring the life of your loved one. I’m not sure if it’ll be next week since we’re in the process of losing another member of our family. Yes, for some reason they wanted to go close to each other. There’s got to be a great lesson for us in these experiences. I’m open to these lessons.
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We Will All Die
Always Go For Alignment First
Happiness Is Where You Live
Learn To Heal Yourself
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