What makes people fall in and out of love has always been a mystery. Most people think it’s so complicated that don’t even want to go there.
But in reality, being and staying in love is way simpler to understand than most people think.
As some people describe it, falling in love is when you get that feeling of butterflies in your stomach and that rush of emotions when you see the person you like.
You also start seeing the best aspects of everything around you. Everything seems working good, everyone seems to be so friendly, and there's nothing that can go wrong.
But we all know those feelings are not love because they don’t last very long. Those feelings are the result of spikes of emotions caused by an event -which is in this case is the nearby presence of a person you like.
So, why do we feel that way then? Let’s explore it.
Why being in love feels so good
You are the main focus of attention
When you notice someone paying undivided attention to you, it makes you feel very good. It makes you feel important. This comes from one of the six fundamental human needs identified by Tony Robbins. This need is the need of significance, which is the need of feeling unique, important, special or needed.
They see the best in you
Falling in love feels so good because mostly positive aspects of each other in the relationship are being seen and/or magnified. We all know that being liked and admired makes us feel very good. Makes us feel we have something valuable within us that we can offer and someone else wants it.
Being appreciated makes you feel good
Being appreciated makes you feel so good that it brings you to an emotional state of 80-100 in The Joy Scale. And even though these emotions are temporary, you still receive the full benefits for being in that emotional state.
What to do to stay in this in-love state
First of all, I want to explain what happens when you fall in love.
The fact that someone is interested in you, like I said above, makes you feel good and helps you be in a very positive emotional state. By being in that very good emotional state, you get the benefits of being there even if it is only a temporary emotion that brought you there.
Remember I told you emotions are temporary and moods are mostly constant? Emotions in this case, are the good feeling moments when you are being the focus of attention of your partner or when you are focusing on the positive aspects of your partner.
But what happens when you are not? Well, you go back to your normal mood.
Maybe you have noticed that someone you know, or even yourself, changes when you are with your partner. Meaning you stop being you and instead try to be whoever you think you need to be in order to keep that person happy so you can receive that attention (emotions) that brings you to the 80-100 emotional range. But what happens when that person is not around? You go back to your normal self (mood). Makes sense?
So, the only way you can stay in love is by staying in those positive emotional states that you experienced when you recently fell in love. That means you will need to stay in the 80-100 range in The Joy Scale.
Let me explain why.
When you are in love, you see the best in everyone and everything, right?. You are positive, optimistic and know that everything will be ok. You also know that anything coming from emotions 50 or less, will for sure make you feel not so good emotionally.
So, let's say you are in a state of 30, well, now you see from there. You start blaming others, you feel and act insecure, you feel and act anxious, etc. As a result, you have pulled yourself away from the love state you were when you were in love.
Here is where free will comes in to play. Here is when you can start enforcing your free will and deliberately choose to feel good without any condition, just because you want to feel good.
And once you’re back in the 80 emotional state, you will start feeling and acting in loving again without needing anything or anyone. You will not any condition to feel love... this is what unconditional love is all about. Unconditional love towards yourself and others.
It can be you are not always there but what matters is that you know how to get back to love again and soon.
Being in love is consciously making the choice to keep your mood in a very positive emotional state regardless of anything happening around you." -Claudia LeBaron Islas
Why do we fall out of love?
So, what happens when the focus of each partner in the relationship starts being distracted from each other?
You fall out of love because you no longer are in the 80-100 range. Your focus of attention, or your partner's, has changed to other areas of life and that may take you out of that good feeling range.
When that happens, the real mood of the person starts showing up and sometimes by then the relationship is too advanced.
But now you know how being in love works and how to recognize love in others.
So, are you in love because you are focusing on someone else's behavior, or are you in love just because you decided to stay in love?
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